Tick, tick, tick.....

It is December 30th!  Yahoo!  Can't wait for this year to be kicked to the curb.  My life has felt like it was in utter turmoil for the past 11 months.  First the Band slipping, then the recovery and grieving phase while I struggled to keep the weight off.... then the most horrible realization that it was going to be a fight with the insurance company to get the Revision VSG.   Months of fighting, then to have to give in and ultimately gain my weight back, just to get a new tool to take it all off.  Accompanied by my weight gain, I got back some good old high blood pressure, depression, sleep apnea and a really lovely thing, a belly full of fibroids (may be triggered by my weight gain) we will wait to see if they magically disappear once I start losing weight again.  I am going to be positive now!  They WILL improve, all of these new/old maladies will go away when my new life begins again in January!!  I am one of the "lucky" ones that actually has had a huge success after WLS and understands the complete life altering experience.  My Lap Band experience was so positive on EVERY aspect of my life, I just can't wait to get this party started!  I read up on the forums and get so excited when I see all the people getting ready to start their journeys, or just back from the hospital and the "vets" who have been on the Loser's Bench for some time now.

I am going to start a week of what I would expect/plan to be my Post-Op Life diet on January 1st. Then, on January 7th, I will commence the dreaded Pre-Op diet before my surgery on January 14th.  I have been reading and planning for the last week like a crazy person. My favorite past-time is reading http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/   Having a little vacation time has given me a chance to read up on many of the WLS stories on various blogs and plan out my Post-Op strategies.  I think it is funny that even though my Lap Band surgery was in July of 2010, I have very little recollection of those early days.  I was fortunate that I had no complications and had great success, making goal weight in 8 months.   My kids were younger (14 and 12) and I wasn't in a relationship.  I think that I made food for the kids and something else for me.  I really don't remember the meals at the dinner table back then, we kinda lost that important aspect of our family.   I was also very secretive with the whole surgery thing...  I was scared that it made me look weak.  I didn't tell many people at all.  I had also made the kids feel that they were to treat Mommy's surgery as a "secret".  I am sure that it was very stressful for everyone who knew my "secret" to keep it safe....  How silly?!    In retrospect, I think that the Band slipping, gave me the opportunity to come clean.  Secrets are really hard to keep.  Support is what I need now and will need in the future.  I am surrounded by people that love me unconditionally whether I am "fluffy" or "fit".  I was ALWAYS surrounded by those people, I just didn't realize it back then, I know it now on this "do over".

Things I have realized recently:

• I know NOTHING about the true values of most of the food I eat.  Especially protein and carbs.
• I like Fage yogurt.
• I am tired of wearing Rob's clothes.  (I refused to buy clothes as I became "fluffier") He thinks I wear them because I love him.....  I do, but I miss my clothes......
• I hardly drink ANY water anymore.

Twas the Scope before Christmas.....

Today was officially my first day of mandated Christmas vacation.  I work for a very large manufacturer and even though I am in outside sales, we have an imposed vacation at the end of the year.  I started my vacation out this morning at 6:00AM in the hospital for my gastroscopy!  Driving over, my boyfriend said, "Unbelievable, you are actually not going to be late! Late for everything else, all the time, but not this!!"  Are you kidding me!!  I have been waiting since February 19th for absolutely everything to get me closer to this procedure!

I really don't like needles.  I always forget that part.  The IV in the hand totally freaks me out. That was the only stress today, the silly IV needle.  I was wheeled in, and then started to wake up as they wheeled me back to recovery.  The whole thing, lasted a whole 20 some odd minutes then I was getting dressed and ready to go.  No complications.  Did remind Dr. D. that I still had the port and tubing in me and he told me to remind him of that again on the 14th.  Losing that annoying port will be a great treat. When I was at goal, the silly thing stood erect on my tummy like a chopped off tree trunk.  Since I have puffed back out, I barely can feel it.  Nice to know that my soon to be fit tummy will have no tree trunk reminder of my very bad break up with the Band.

Christmas cookie hangover today too.  Overindulged in the sweet, chewy wonderfulness of many of my friend's best cookies as I spent most of the weekend at parties and visiting with her.  I am not a huge sweets person.  I am totally helpless when surrounded by crunchy, salty or butter laden pieces of bread. I am in a little "pre-mourning" stage for those things, but really, nothing ever tasted as good as fit and skinny did.....

The presents are wrapped, the Christmas meal is planned and ready to put 2013 to rest.

Countdown Begins....

So yesterday was my pre-op testing day and post-op class to go over the pre-surgery and post-surgery checklist regarding food stages (clear, supplementing with protein shakes, pureed and transitioning to solids).  The class was a good review.  About an hour into it, it hit me, I was starting this whole process ALL OVER AGAIN.  I remembered sitting there back in June of 2010 before my Lap-Band.  I can't believe that I got to where I was and BOOM, in a flash, back again.  I really thought that it never would happen.  I had had wonderful success. 2+ years of it. The old me was dead, buried, never to return.  I took a deep breath and let it go.......  It is what it is.  No one could predict that this would happen.  It just slipped.  I can't go back and change anything.  Just glad that the last 10 months are over.   Truthfully, I am glad that for a few things:

1) I had not told many people that I even had the Lap-Band. (Not even my boyfriend, yes, you heard that right, not even him. Imagine that conversation, "Rob, uh, I need you to take me back to the hospital honey, I have to have emergency surgery....")  I decided to come clean with a whole bunch of people, it became too hard to remember who knew what. That has been a surprisingly freeing feeling.

2) If I ever thought that I was the one who had this whole "fat" thing now under control, I was proven very, very wrong.  The band was my tool.  The band was my friend.  The band gave me the assistance that I needed to do what I had never been able to do before to control my weight.  Without the band I was the same old me who had no "off" switch regarding food intake.  The Revision VSG is going to be my new tool.

3) I had to take a really good look at myself.  Where I had been, where I got to when I was so much more healthy and fit and how quickly I returned to so many negative and toxic feelings when I gained the weight. I grieved for losing the "new me" the "improved me".  I wallowed in self pity and all of those very dangerous and negative feelings felt like they were swallowing me up.  I couldn't believe that those feelings could ever come back, wasn't that supposed to have been cured?  I still had to work on myself. I still had to realize that that fragile, broken me was still inside.  I have had to work to be caring and loving to myself.

The rest of the pre-op was the normal poking and prodding and peeing in a cup, followed by EKG and X-Ray and a the usual 1000 vials of blood.  Long day.  I have to look forward to the scope on Monday morning at 6AM.  Hoping that is uneventful as well.

Well, just looked at the clock and should be tucked in bed by now.

- Ames